Monday, April 29, 2013

Down Days

Sometimes you just wake up and you're already like... ughh, everything today is going to seem like a chore and take extra effort. So then automatically my eating disorder brain goes... ya lets have an off day today. But there is no good reason. Like it's not like it's a birthday party or a really stressful project for work but it's just an exhausting day where even recovery seems far off. Really, there is a reason deep deep below this. It might sound stupid but sometimes it could be as simple as boredom, loneliness, lack of excitement, or even sadness you've been covering up and avoiding for a while. These things have probably been underneath for a while but have easily hid because of the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Like maybe you've been having really good therapy sessions but then you have like just a mediocre one and you're not sure what to make of it. It's that gray spot that eating disorders hate. Because unfortunately life is not just black or white, it's mostly that weird middle area. When these days come up how do you keep momentum? Recovery will always be an ongoing process, and that means it takes constant work even when you start to loose steam. Personally, I am a big fan of organization so lists work perfectly! I have a few lists and drawings from therapy of things to do when I'm in that bored slump. It's stuff like painting my nails, coloring, listening to music, journaling, and spending time with friends and family. It's the little things that keep me present because usually a lot of my stress is built from hanging around too much in the past or future. Go out and buy a fun craft or some materials to make jewelry or find a new recipe to make. Call up a friend for coffee or catch a movie with your sister. All of these things give you a little boost of something to look forward to which will help you through the day, week, month! The gray days are the worst but they are also the ones that move you forwards, because once you can crush those ones the rest is easier (notice how I didn't say easy-- because not a single bit of this is easy). So make those gray days pink, you can do it, because we can only move forward as much as we want to and try for. Stay positive!

Love,
Sophia Ana

Sunday, April 28, 2013

100 Views

Congratulations to this blog! It has received 100 (now more than that) views. Yay! How exciting for me since I am new to this blogging thing. I am just hoping the site is helping people and giving them inspiration and advice (even though I still haven't gotten any comments or followers!). But it's okay because as we all know, good things take time. So this big step of 100 is very recovery relatable. Starting out is sometimes really slow and rocky. You're not sure what you're even doing and where you're even going. There is an overwhelming sense of uncertainty and confusion. But then you hit your first little 100. Maybe it was finishing your whole plate, or stopping obsessive exercise, or going out to eat with a friend. All of those things are so small in the big picture of recovery yet are so so so important to getting through each day. My first 100? Well, I'd say it was probably completing all my meals when I was at partial hospitalization for a week. I had gotten through challenge snack and manage to finish all of my points (their method of nutrition planning) which was not easy. I look back now and I'm like, that took me a long time to accomplish and kind of cross off the list but it was a really big step for me and took me really positively forward. Another 100 for me was when I got off my meal plan after discharge and was able to eat whatever I wanted (within moderation of course!). So what was your first 100? It could be small, it could be big. But whatever it was or hey, maybe you're still waiting for your first 100, it will be so important and you will never forget it. Recovery is about celebrating over the little things, it's about rewarding yourself for all your hard work! Be mindful of how far you've come today, think about that feeling of accomplishment when you hit that first 100. And remember that there will be many more 100's to come all worthwhile and taking you one step closer to recovery. Enjoy the day! The weather is simply beautiful.

Love,
Sophie Ana

Sunday, April 21, 2013

A Live-able Illness?


A live-able illness?

Eating disorders are very complex and strange because of the so many factors that affect them. This is probably why there is a lack of providers, resources, and insurance coverage. But something that makes me think is the fact that eating disorders are live-able illnesses, for lack of better term. So you’ve probably interpreted that a number of different ways. But my interpretation is this: You can live and function with an eating disorder. That is why most people are so naïve about them, many people have had eating disorders, starting back in the 20s when skinny became pretty. I mean for some people it is really all they’ve known and they just accept and are used to living that way. Think about it, before your illness got “caught” or you got help or even admitted (to yourself, family, friends, whoever!) you had an illness, you were functioning. Were you happy and were you really living? Of course NOT. That is the trick that makes recovery so hard. Eating disorders are not like cancer where if you’re struggling you’re in the hospital and everyone you know is suddenly at your side. Eating disorders are not like surgery or a broken arm where you have a protocol telling you which meds to take and how long you will have your cast on. If you have bronchitis people will notice and you’ll get to a doctor. All these things are real life medical illnesses, and all of them can be life threatening. That is the other thing; eating disorders are just as deadly, serious, and important as all of these other MEDICAL illnesses. It is a fact and everyone in this world needs to accept and embrace that. Ok, done with my little rant there, back to the whole live-able illness thing. Probably a bunch of people you know have “hidden” eating disorders. Meaning you probably are like hmm when you see them based on appearance but you’re like nahhh they’re fine, they seem ok. Right? Um no. A majority of the people with eating disorders are ones  not getting help, living day after day a half ghost life. Because lets face it, although you can function, your life is ruined. Everything is consumed by the eating disorder.  Who would want to give up their full potential to share with an eating disorder? I wouldn’t and if you’re not an “Ed head” you wouldn’t either. Sometimes when I feel stuck I think a lot about this live-able illness concept. I question myself whether I am holding on a bit to the eating disorder and settling for living with it instead of living free. So I keep tabs on myself. I mean maybe it was a particularly rough day that could be alarming and triggering after a large stretch of symptom free days. It’s usually those days where I am all up in my head and feeling kinda bored or stressed. And so after all of that sometimes yes, I say to myself, Ok bud time to step it up, Ed might be sneaking in so you need to work extra hard today. And that’s it, one day at a time, one meal at a time. It makes me really sad to see people who attempt to live with an eating disorder. It is NOT a lifestyle which the media tries to convince us of. Like come on really? I was one of those girls for a while. I was just like, ya I like to be really healthy: I don’t eat anything that’s bad for you, like full out all of that shit. For a short period of time I even told people I had a really sensitive stomach and that if I ate anything “unhealthy” I would get sick. Yeah, not really true. So yes I was functioning but I wasn’t happy and I wasn’t living the way one should. I love the saying YOLO (you only live once). It’s so true and I’ve really been trying to live things up because honestly, why not? Why would you want to live an eating disorder life with a chain on your ankle dragging you down, refusing those dinner dates, parties, and birthdays? So maybe sometime, whenever, cause eating disorder recovery is about breaking those rules, just think about where you are and if you're attempting to live with an eating disorder or you're feeling like you're getting tricked back into taking another turn down that awful block. So a live-able illness? I'd say yes. But recovery, is what truly living is, the eating disorder is nothing but a jail cell cornering you in until you get yourself out of there. Stay strong and live WITHOUT Ed.

Love,
Sophie Ana
 

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Sleepless Nights

About a year ago, when I was sort of thrown into recovery, I had a really hard time sleeping at night. As soon as I turned off the lights, my mind switched on and my thoughts just started racing. I had tried a bunch of techniques like reading before, showers, deep breathing, and music. None of them had worked. The whole sleep issue had then become a major obstacle in my recovery because I'd be keeping semi positive and would get through the day but then once I shut my eyes all of the guilt and what ifs came zooming back. My treatment team decided to try some medication because I had also been dealing with some more anxiety than usual and it helped a lot. But eventually, once I got through that rough patch I felt like I didn't need the meds anymore and surprisingly I was able to fall asleep on my own! Lately though, as in this week, I have been having a really tough time falling asleep. But it's not for eating disorder reasons, it's for recovery reasons. My mind is keeping me up because I am so excited and hopeful about summer, getting a new job, and warmer weather/spring clothing. It's not relaxing but it's hard to see how it's a bad thing. Except when I've been laying in bed for an hour and I'm like ok... time to simmer down, I'm getting pretty exhausted. I noticed this and it stood out to me as such a positive sign that things are going well and how far I've come from last year. I'm hoping, that this week I'll be more tired and therefore fall asleep faster because I do want to be well rested and get sleep. But at least I have a lot of positive things going on right now in my life which is awesome and quite frankly I just need to embrace them but try not to get too excited about them. This past week has just been one of those weeks where I'm like "Wow my life feels together, and things are going so good and are just going to keep looking up!". Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's the hope of summer and all the fun things that come with it. All I know is that a few sleepless nights is a lot better than an eating disorder. And if these thoughts keep happening, maybe I'll need to look more into them, but for now I'm pretty content with myself, and that is a pretty damn good place to be.

Love,
Sophie Ana



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Saturday, April 13, 2013

April and Cars Are A lot Like Recovery

Today is one of those April days where it's not cold and snowing (so therefore I cannot complain) but it's not exactly enjoyable to be outside for more that 20 minutes. It's overcast, on and off sprinkles, and about 45 degrees. So when I was deciding about this post I figured I could connect this weather to recovery. Weather is very unpredictable, up and down, and sometimes frustrating. It can also be pleasantly surprising. Like those days when rain is predicted but it ends up being 70 and sunny. Weather goes on, just like life, and sometimes what happens is out of our control. All these things, is how recovery is like weather. Recovery can be confusing, one day you eating a fear food and feel great with absolutely not guilt, but the next you're on the floor hysterical because you ate yogurt. But when you get in these ruts or those days where life is exhausting, everything is triggering, and recovery seems impossible, try to step back for a second, take a time out and notice the weather. It may not be what you would like it to be for today but eventually the sun will go down and the next day will start fresh. You cannot control what the weather will be tomorrow, nor can you control where recovery will lead you. When days are like today, gloomy and almost disappointing, I just tell myself, summer will be here soon, and nice days will come. Before I know it I will be sweating and complaining about lack of air conditioning. Even sooner than that though, there will be sunny days where the temperature gets higher. Plus, learning to get through those dark and gloomy days will only help the warmer ones shine even brighter. And just because it's not today doesn't mean it's not going to be nicer soon or for that matter ever. Recovery is like that. Of course you have control over recovery (where as with the weather we are not so lucky) but I like to think of it like this: Recovery from an eating disorder is like driving a car, you have to put fuel in the car (this one is obvious-you have to eat to live), you have to get the keys, put on your seat belt and start the engine (you need to prepare and want recovery for yourself before you really start, then there is getting out of a really tight garage (the beginning of recovery can be very bumpy), but then after that for the most part recovery kind of chooses it's own path. The uncontrollable sense of recovery is kind of like your annoying GPS. It will get you to the destination but sometimes it take you the long way and you end up at some dead ends and gravely roads in the middle of no where. So you recalculate. And you get back on track. Because in the end you will get there and the journey is just as important as the destination. Sometimes you get cruise control going and your just kind of holding your own. You're not relapsing but you're not soaring high with success and wisdom. You're kind of stuck and it's not very clear where you're going. But when you get here and yes the weather (taking it back to the weather April thing) might be cloudy and chilly the most important thing is to go on. Because maybe tomorrow will be surprisingly sunny, and at least you're moving somewhere, even if you're not sure where. So now I'm thinking, ok did these connections actually make sense or are they just pure random and confusing. I hope not! I think sometimes you need to do some decoding in recovery and it's important to get creative with it and look at things from different angles. So I'm hoping for a sunny day soon, tomorrow and Monday are supposed to be nice! But until then I know things are ok. "I am me and I'm okay." And believe me when I say this, recovery, the weather, and life will go on and the forecast is looking pretty bright.

Love,
Sophie Ana


Tuesday, April 9, 2013

Defining Recovery

So you finally get to that point where you convince yourself maybe the eating disorder isn't working out too well for ya. Ok, great! But... then what? What even is recovery?
Some questions and doubts I had when I first started considering recovery...
1. Will it be better?
2. What is it going to be like?
3. How long?
4. When will I know?
5. I don't have any happiness to go back to from "before" the eating disorder. So what will recovery really be fore me?
6. What if it just ends up me being fat?

Pretty much all of those questions are the eating disorder playing out the what-ifs of leaving it behind. And unfortunately there really is know way of answer some of these questions, making things even harder and scarier. The only way you can have an idea of what "it" might be like is from others that have walked before you. So that means trusting, and I am also aware that is something that eating disorders hate. It means trusting that your therapist, doctor, social worker, psychiatrist, dietitian, is NOT GOING TO MAKE YOU FAT. It means actually attempting the suggestions they are giving you and listening to what they are telling you. While I was in treatment I felt like I didn't really get to see or learn from anyone who had actually recovered. And in this blog that is one thing I would like to share, my experiences and advice. Keep in mind, no two eating disorders are alike, and therefore no two recoveries are either! So I'm going to list what recovery was and is for me. I hope this will help clear up a few of those questions and maybe ease the anxiety because trust me, RECOVERY ROCKS.

Recovery is...
  • Eating and enjoying the food
  • Smiling and being truly happy
  • Spending quality time with friends and family
  • Taking care of yourself
  • Appreciating the seasons and all the good things that come with them
  • A closer connection to God
  • Shopping and actually focusing on the clothing (not the sizes!)
  • Cooking and baking
  • Exercising for health and fun
  • Being able to control your emotions
  • Learning what you really like to do
  • Performing better (work, sports, school, relationships)
  • Not sweating the little things
  • Peaceful nights
  • Knowing how to balance life
  • Being passionate
  • Using coping strategies
  • Picking yourself back up when you fall
  • Going swimming in the summer and not caring about your appearance
  • Not comparing to everyone else
  • Knowing you are beautiful
  • Not being triggered so easily
  • No more freaking out about restaurants/dining out
  • Laughing
  • Living without the fear of the what-ifs
  • Finally tackling your depression
  • Accepting compliments
  • Losing the secrecy and isolation
  • Ending the OCD behaviors that tie you down
  • Loving yourself above all else

Please comment and add some of your own!

Love,
Sophie Ana


Sunday, April 7, 2013

Resources for getting help&more info

Most people think they know about eating disorders. In fact some people naively believe they are experts on this "simple" topic. Umm I think we all know that is far from true. So I put together a bunch of links to the best websites because trust me, typing in "eating disorder" on google will come up with a lot of shit that is probably more hurtful than helpful. But you have to remember, eating disorders come in all shapes and sizes, just because you might not fully meet the medical "criteria" for anorexia, bulimia, BED, that does not mean you are not sick. In fact many eating disorders, known as EDNOS, are a combination of many symptoms or even some that tend to fly under the diagnosis radar. These websites are also great with tools and ways to get help such as hotlines and treatment centers near you. They also link to some great videos, podcast, and information on how to support friends and family.  My favorite is NEDA because they are just such a great organization that is keeping up with current technology to keep connected with victims and support people. You can sign up to get their emails and updates about what's going on in the world of eating disorders and how you can help out and give back. Of course all of these are just suggestions and yes, none of them are going to be that magic "fix". By clicking on the link you are not automatically going to recovery and become better instantly. Personally, I feel that the only way you can truly get and receive help is to seek it out yourself because you want it. That is the tricky part about eating disorders, getting approval from others or doing things for all the wrong reasons. Recovery has to be your choice and even though it's not going to happen over night or even in a few months, you need to stay committed. I believe in you and you should to! Stay strong and fight on.

Love,
Sophie Ana






Eating Disorder Resources:
National Eating Disorder Association

Something Fishy

Eating Disorders Online

Helpguide.org

ANAD

Born This Way 

Jenni Schaefer 

Find an EDA meeting near you 






Saturday, April 6, 2013

Recovery Inspiration-The Beauty of Art

Eating Disorder Recovery Board@pinterest.com



Eating Disorder Recovery Board@pinterest.com



Eating Disorder Recovery Board@pinterest.com

Eating Disorder Recovery Board@pinterest.com









Welcome and Hello!

Hi! Welcome to my blog. I'm kind of new to this so sorry if it's totally lame or stupid. I'd just like to kind of put out there what my goal is with this blog. I've dealt with anorexia nervosa for 3 years and finally after many treatments and sessions and appointments I've gotten myself on the right track and have been blessed to begin recovery and become a few steps closer to being recovered. I know I am far from the only one with this illness and I can't help but feel like I need to do something to give back and to help those who are struggling. I've walked down that dark path but I've also walked my way back to the light. I've seen both sides and learned a few things while I was there. So, I'd love to provide support and give help, tips, and inspiration. I want to promote positive body image, a healthy lifestyle, and overall self love. And believe me, none of this stuff is easy. I recently browsed around and was actually surprised to find there were not many recovery support blogs. I would like to change that and I want this site to be a healthy place, free from triggers, unhelpful thoughts, and negative behaviors. I think most people that have ever suffered from an eating disorder or any addiction or mental illness for that matter, know that we cannot do this alone. No matter who you are , what you do, or where you come from eating disorders do not discriminate, and neither does this blog. Please visit and comment often, and most importantly stay strong and ED free!

Love,
Sophie Ana

"Recovery: It's work, it's a process, it's worth it, it's possible."