Saturday, June 29, 2013

EDA

Today I went to an EDA meeting. I used to go weekly, I was one of the usual's, my attendance expected from the other group members. I became very busy fall last year and felt I was doing okay enough to stop going. At first I was iffy about this decision but I saw that I was getting by fine without the meetings so I trucked on forward. Now, seeing that the habits and compulsions are quickly slipping back I figured attending one would be a great place to start. I have to admit I was nervous to go back, even though I texted one of the leaders earlier in the week to check that the meetings were still happening. I was pleased to get there just on time so I didn't have to get caught up in small talk while other members were arriving. I found myself much more relaxed when we got to the group room and began with the serenity prayer. Although I did not say a single word the whole meeting, it was nice just to hear the stories, struggles, and strengths of those around me. I felt safe, and nothing in the outside world mattered during that time. After the meeting I caught up with an old friend and filled her in on what's been going on with me. It honestly just felt really good to be there because it also gave me that sense that I was trying my best to do something to take charge until I my appointments. Speaking of appointments, day 1 of food journal. Let's just say it was really tough for me to do. When I do things like that, I feel so conscious of what I'm eating. Like I don't want the dietitian to think I eat fine or even a little too unhealthy. Ughhh I feel stupid writing that cause deep down I know she's probably going to say the opposite. Well, I just have to keep moving forward. That's all we can ever do, right?


Love,
Sophie Ana


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Starting Up Again

Today I scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist. In the past my nutritionist made me do a meal plan and I always felt like it put more emphasis and focus on foods, measuring and controlling than what the purpose of the appointments, obviously to take the focus off foods! This new nutritionist I will see in two weeks (crazy because that was the closest appointment I could get) was recommended to me about 2 years ago when I was struggling but of course I denied the referral. And of course after that I was in the hospital and partial program (what I get for not taking my therapists suggestions). So apparently she's good with nutrition and exercise, because exercise is something I want to do and important to me. ALSO! I need it to be very clear with her that I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, step on a scale. It is just such a ridiculously negative thing for me and I know the second I step on I will start to spiral down. So I'm hoping that she will be okay with that cause if she says step on, I'm going to say HELL NO! For me, stepping on a scale is automatically putting the focus on weight and never ever ever does that need to be a focus for me. It is just so incredibly negative I can't even deal to think about it. So no weighing for me. I'm hoping that's not a problem with her. Also, I have to bring in a 4 day food diary which I am not thrilled about. I feel like when I write down what I'm eating that it will make me more focused on it and just fuel the eating disorder. I'll starting thinking like "wow I eat really unhealthy" or "omg I'm eating way too much". UGHH not looking forward to that. I just hope she is a good fit for me and can help me. It's been such a long struggle and honestly at this point I'm really feeling as if I'll never get over it. I'll try to keep posting-- put a call into an old old therapist and still waiting to hear back. Taking things day by day.

Love,
Sophia Ana


Thursday, June 20, 2013

The Ugly Truth

So I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been insanely busy. So busy that I have been getting out of check with myself and now I need to face the ugly truth. It was shoved into my face Tuesday when the day had absolutely no excuses to be anything but good. Tuesday was the first break down I've had about food in almost a year. Or maybe there have been more but I haven't let myself break down. So I faced the ugly truth and know now that I need to go back to therapy. I feel defeated, ashamed, weak, broken. Why does it have to be like this? Why me? Why can't I just be normal! I'm so sick of this eating disorder and how is stereotypes me. I'm not that girl. That's why the therapist I'm interested in going back to is not a specialist although she has background with treating eating disorders. I need to focus on my anxiety and social issues. The depression and how to find out who and what I really want to be in this world. I don't need to re-tell my sob story for the millionth time. Like come on, I'm sick of it. I just want to get things back under control so I can stay in a good happy place.

So that is the bitter ugly truth. And hell yes it's real. And I'm going to have to deal with it. And I'm going to make sure I get through this.

Love,
Sophie Ana