Completing My Meal Plan

It's been a long while since I've posted. Things have been busy with work and life but also busy with recovery. Lately though, I have been really struggling with completing my meal plan. I had an appointment with my dietitian 4 weeks ago and it went really well. She said she wasn't going to have to weigh me and that it seemed like I was really taking full charge and responsibility on things. I have to admit, I was feeling the same way--like things were really looking up and going well. OF course the eating disorder heard all this and began to twist. And twist. And twist. All those positive words turned into; you're doing too well, you've stopped exercising so you're gonna gain weight, you should eat more healthy, what if you're overeating because you're not doing the meal planning correctly. So it all started again; the skimping on the measuring, getting all my requirements except a few calories less, putting off meals and then trying to make up for them later, becoming obsessive about timing and what I ate. UGH so all of this has been going on for 4 weeks. And I don't think I'm doing too badly, but I just feel badly about things. Like my mindset is not healthy and if I don't get on this it will quickly spiral (as we all know Ed loves to do). So I have an appointment tomorrow and I'm honestly dreading it. I feel like a little kid getting called down to the principals office. Like I feel like I'm going to get yelled at and in trouble because I can admit and honestly have been fucking it up. I'm doing it wrong and I know it's destructive and negative yet I'm not stopping it. That's the worst part. She's going to look at me and say "so what do you think needs to change". My response? I have no fucking idea, aren't I paying you to help me with those kinds of problems? Ahhhhhhh. Let's just say this should be interested. I will try to post again soon with an update. Please comment with any advice or inspiration--we all could use a little bit of that.

Love,
Sophie Ana

Nutrition Appointment

So yesterday I got back from my trip which actually went very well. I won't say it was perfect because there were a few freak-outs but that's okay, no one is perfect. But after I got home I had my nutrition appointment. Lets just say I went into it thinking I was doing a lot better than I actually was. She didn't weigh me. THANK FREAKING GOODNESS. And said she won't but I need to log all my foods and follow a meal plan. Fuck. That's all I could think. Or really that's all the eating disorder could think. Instantly when she said those words he felt trapped, caught, and out of luck. He tried to pass those feelings on to me and at first it worked. But then I realized that I have to do this and I'm not going to let things keep slipping because they already have been slipping way quicker than I imagined. Ugh it's embarrassing, it's humiliating, it's disappointing. Those are the basic emotions I'm feeling as I start way back at the beginning on a meal plan measuring and tracking my food. I am accepting it though, and running with it. I know if I can follow it and maintain then there will be better things to come ahead. The most difficult part for me right now is deciding on foods and planning. I feel like there are no foods I can think of that are healthy and I want to eat come meal times. So I'm going to have to get to work on recipes and shopping so I can successfully tackle this meal plan until I see her again at my next appointment. I was definitely feeling a lot worse about things before I started this post. Things suddenly seem to be looking up, and lets hope they stay that way!

Love,
Sophie Ana

First Day of Vacation

Yesterday I arrived at my lovely vacation location where I will be for about a week. After a decent plane ride and confusing time zone changes I settled in, happy to be with family. I'm not sure if this family knows about my eating disorder. If they know, they haven't been annoying about it cause this were pretty good yesterday. We went out to eat which I was excited about and looked forward too! And yes believe it or not I do like food and enjoy it (most of the time). I'm trying to tell the eating disorder to shut up and let me have a good time- enjoy what I want to eat and not be so restrictive. It went very well at dinner. After we made another outing and they wanted to take me to frozen yogurt. I was pumped for this too because I love FROYO. Unfortunately it was not self serve that I was used to. In my "group" a bunch of people ordered mini and a bunch ordered regular. I heard other people ordering regular so I was like "uhhh sure regular" because to be honest the mini looked kinda small. Big regret and I'm trying to hold back from writing big mistake because it wasn't really a problem I know the eating disorder is over analyzing and being a cheapskate and worrier. Plus since I was traveling I didn't exercise (I anticipated that though) and today I also didn't get to exercise. I slept in late and have been lounging and enjoying this beautiful weather so I missed my chance to go with the others to get some activity in. I did swim a little and have been decently moving around which makes me feel better. BUT! Back to froyo.... so I then noticed that not that many people ordered a regular and it was kind of big (like seriously can places just have a normal small size anymore) and then I started freaking out about the money because someone else paid for me and  I was just like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH why did I have to ruin this day. But then I was like it's not ruined, it's not a big deal. So I didn't eat all the yogurt but felt bad to throw it away because I probably ended up eating the mini size so that's really what was bothering me. Not the calories or any of that shit. The fact that I got the bigger size (eww) and didn't finish it so I wasted money and would have mentally felt better if  I got the smaller size (ughhh). Yup so now I'm feeling pretty crazy and insane that I got that all out but that's what has been on my mind. But honestly it's starting to simmer away now. Oh ya I forgot happy 4th. Haha the things that don't even cross my mind. So for the rest of vacation I'm going to try to be mindful and think through choices and options when it comes to food. But I'm going to try to relax and enjoy myself and let myself intuitively eat without ED! I'm slightly stressing about exercise but I'm hoping to get some in the rest of my days here. Not that I need to but it makes me feel safer and better, especially since I'm a little out of my comfort zone not being at home. Comments? Advice? Anyone experience anything similar? Don't be shy now!

Love,
Sophie Ana

EDA

Today I went to an EDA meeting. I used to go weekly, I was one of the usual's, my attendance expected from the other group members. I became very busy fall last year and felt I was doing okay enough to stop going. At first I was iffy about this decision but I saw that I was getting by fine without the meetings so I trucked on forward. Now, seeing that the habits and compulsions are quickly slipping back I figured attending one would be a great place to start. I have to admit I was nervous to go back, even though I texted one of the leaders earlier in the week to check that the meetings were still happening. I was pleased to get there just on time so I didn't have to get caught up in small talk while other members were arriving. I found myself much more relaxed when we got to the group room and began with the serenity prayer. Although I did not say a single word the whole meeting, it was nice just to hear the stories, struggles, and strengths of those around me. I felt safe, and nothing in the outside world mattered during that time. After the meeting I caught up with an old friend and filled her in on what's been going on with me. It honestly just felt really good to be there because it also gave me that sense that I was trying my best to do something to take charge until I my appointments. Speaking of appointments, day 1 of food journal. Let's just say it was really tough for me to do. When I do things like that, I feel so conscious of what I'm eating. Like I don't want the dietitian to think I eat fine or even a little too unhealthy. Ughhh I feel stupid writing that cause deep down I know she's probably going to say the opposite. Well, I just have to keep moving forward. That's all we can ever do, right?


Love,
Sophie Ana

Starting Up Again

Today I scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist. In the past my nutritionist made me do a meal plan and I always felt like it put more emphasis and focus on foods, measuring and controlling than what the purpose of the appointments, obviously to take the focus off foods! This new nutritionist I will see in two weeks (crazy because that was the closest appointment I could get) was recommended to me about 2 years ago when I was struggling but of course I denied the referral. And of course after that I was in the hospital and partial program (what I get for not taking my therapists suggestions). So apparently she's good with nutrition and exercise, because exercise is something I want to do and important to me. ALSO! I need it to be very clear with her that I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, step on a scale. It is just such a ridiculously negative thing for me and I know the second I step on I will start to spiral down. So I'm hoping that she will be okay with that cause if she says step on, I'm going to say HELL NO! For me, stepping on a scale is automatically putting the focus on weight and never ever ever does that need to be a focus for me. It is just so incredibly negative I can't even deal to think about it. So no weighing for me. I'm hoping that's not a problem with her. Also, I have to bring in a 4 day food diary which I am not thrilled about. I feel like when I write down what I'm eating that it will make me more focused on it and just fuel the eating disorder. I'll starting thinking like "wow I eat really unhealthy" or "omg I'm eating way too much". UGHH not looking forward to that. I just hope she is a good fit for me and can help me. It's been such a long struggle and honestly at this point I'm really feeling as if I'll never get over it. I'll try to keep posting-- put a call into an old old therapist and still waiting to hear back. Taking things day by day.

Love,
Sophia Ana

The Ugly Truth

So I know I haven't posted in a while. Things have been insanely busy. So busy that I have been getting out of check with myself and now I need to face the ugly truth. It was shoved into my face Tuesday when the day had absolutely no excuses to be anything but good. Tuesday was the first break down I've had about food in almost a year. Or maybe there have been more but I haven't let myself break down. So I faced the ugly truth and know now that I need to go back to therapy. I feel defeated, ashamed, weak, broken. Why does it have to be like this? Why me? Why can't I just be normal! I'm so sick of this eating disorder and how is stereotypes me. I'm not that girl. That's why the therapist I'm interested in going back to is not a specialist although she has background with treating eating disorders. I need to focus on my anxiety and social issues. The depression and how to find out who and what I really want to be in this world. I don't need to re-tell my sob story for the millionth time. Like come on, I'm sick of it. I just want to get things back under control so I can stay in a good happy place.

So that is the bitter ugly truth. And hell yes it's real. And I'm going to have to deal with it. And I'm going to make sure I get through this.

Love,
Sophie Ana

Being Assertive

I remember in elementary school they taught us about passive, assertive, aggressive in friendships and personalities. I always thought I was assertive but was always so cautious about what other people would think about the things I was saying. I chose my words carefully, making sure not to seem whining or like I was complaining. The last thing I ever wanted to do was upset people. The eating disorder told me to become this super girl. Capable to the extreme, able to deal with anything, and never complaining or letting people down. I guess I always just thought passive meant shy. But it's not at all! Lately I've been passive. Honest to myself it's the truth. I feel like I'm not yet up to ability so therefore I don't get a say in anything. But the past few days it's been really bugging me. I'm getting stuck doing things I don't want to be and I can't deal with it anymore. I don't want to seem like a baby or be all whiny and complaining but where is the line drawn between that and being assertive. I deserve my preferences just as much as others, right? So I'm planning on having a friendly assertive conversation with some people this afternoon. Hopefully I won't chicken out! Cause I can tell the eating disorder might just be whispering in my ear, "stop being a baby this is what you get for not being good enough". Uggh like I need more stress is my life right now! But I think that getting this off my plate might just help me feel a little better. So ED, stand back because I'm about to speak up!

Love,
Sophie Ana