Starting Up Again

Today I scheduled an appointment with a nutritionist. In the past my nutritionist made me do a meal plan and I always felt like it put more emphasis and focus on foods, measuring and controlling than what the purpose of the appointments, obviously to take the focus off foods! This new nutritionist I will see in two weeks (crazy because that was the closest appointment I could get) was recommended to me about 2 years ago when I was struggling but of course I denied the referral. And of course after that I was in the hospital and partial program (what I get for not taking my therapists suggestions). So apparently she's good with nutrition and exercise, because exercise is something I want to do and important to me. ALSO! I need it to be very clear with her that I WILL NOT, under any circumstances, step on a scale. It is just such a ridiculously negative thing for me and I know the second I step on I will start to spiral down. So I'm hoping that she will be okay with that cause if she says step on, I'm going to say HELL NO! For me, stepping on a scale is automatically putting the focus on weight and never ever ever does that need to be a focus for me. It is just so incredibly negative I can't even deal to think about it. So no weighing for me. I'm hoping that's not a problem with her. Also, I have to bring in a 4 day food diary which I am not thrilled about. I feel like when I write down what I'm eating that it will make me more focused on it and just fuel the eating disorder. I'll starting thinking like "wow I eat really unhealthy" or "omg I'm eating way too much". UGHH not looking forward to that. I just hope she is a good fit for me and can help me. It's been such a long struggle and honestly at this point I'm really feeling as if I'll never get over it. I'll try to keep posting-- put a call into an old old therapist and still waiting to hear back. Taking things day by day.

Love,
Sophia Ana